I love design. I love building, creating, doing. Since beginning this blog I’ve had some people comment on how great some of my things are and that I must be Wonder Woman.
Really, though! I am not. Oh how I wish I was that mom that woke up at the crack of dawn, with an imaculate house, breakfast made…. Greeting my kids happily, kissing my husband goodbye as he heads off to work with a freshly made healthy lunch. Then I could go about my day, cleaning, organizing, making dinner hours before actual dinner time, all the while keeping a peaceful happy home. My children would be clean with pressed clothes. Beds made, school lunches ready to go, with a sweet note and homemade treats. And maybe my daily organizing wouldn’t happen because I already am soooo organized.
My kids would have their homework done and violins practiced right after school. They’d come home eager to complete their chores, then go outside and play baseball or basketball. All the while never fighting. This. Would. Be. Awesome.
Really, though! I am not. Oh how I wish I was that mom that woke up at the crack of dawn, with an imaculate house, breakfast made…. Greeting my kids happily, kissing my husband goodbye as he heads off to work with a freshly made healthy lunch. Then I could go about my day, cleaning, organizing, making dinner hours before actual dinner time, all the while keeping a peaceful happy home. My children would be clean with pressed clothes. Beds made, school lunches ready to go, with a sweet note and homemade treats. And maybe my daily organizing wouldn’t happen because I already am soooo organized.
My kids would have their homework done and violins practiced right after school. They’d come home eager to complete their chores, then go outside and play baseball or basketball. All the while never fighting. This. Would. Be. Awesome.
Right? Really, though. I’m not so sure it would.
I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not perfect. Far from it. I like my sleep. My wonderful husband let’s me catch a few extra minutes in the morning while he does breakfast. Nothing would please me more most days than to lay on the couch in the silence and catch up on my DVR. Some days I do. Heck, most days if I can swing a little time, I will. I’m sometimes checking my phone when my kids are hollering at me to watch what they’re doing.
I’ll tell you this though. It’s okay.
It seems society puts too much pressure on us moms. Even on dads. I do what I can. I have strengths, but I also have weaknesses. Sometimes, I don’t do what I can. Sometimes I do only what I want. Yes, maybe my strength is designing or decorating. Maybe I’m confident enough to do DIYs and know I can accomplish it. I love painting. Art is definitely part of my soul. My mind never shuts off, and this is usually what is running through it.
But then there are my weaknesses. I worry. A lot. So much so that my anxiety is sometimes overwhelming. I worry about my kids. My husband travels often and when I’m the only one in charge, my confidence that I can do it wavers, more than I care to admit.
Many days, I’d rather my kids just play on the iPad, just so I can get a few moments quiet. When they don’t do what I ask, sometimes I lose my patience! Yes, I love my kids. I love their imagination, their bravery and confidence. But, sometimes, I love the silence. The clean house while they’re at school. Awful right?
Our life is crazy, chaotic, and if you can’t hear yelling out at least one of my windows, something must really be wrong. I often imagine if I was the one that was up before the rest of the house, how much more I could accomplish! My days could be so productive. Really, though. It’s not realistic and it’s not me. I would love to come downstairs in the morning, bask in the sunlight in my dining room or kitchen and instead of seeing the crumbs, dust bunnies and dog hair, see just the sunlight. Cleanly reflecting off my freshly waxed floors. You see where I’m going with this right? I am not perfect. Never claimed to be. You moms out there can understand this…. When you spend most days living for and taking care of other people, you lose yourself. I am attempting to find me again. For a long time, I didn’t even recognize myself. Between home life, work stresses, school, and church callings, there wasn’t much time left for me at the end of the day. For the last 2 years I have battled anxiety and depression. And as much as this is embarrassing for me to admit, I hope you know, I am human. It does not define me. Hopefully it is making me stronger. But I’ll tell you this much, when I am doing things I love, creating something beautiful, whether it be a complete room, or even just a simple project, it pulls me away from those feelings. I begin to feel those desires that I once had. I found a great quote that perfectly describes this. “If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.” As my birthday has been approaching, I have been thinking about where I was hoping to see myself. What did I want to have accomplished by now, I have reassessed my goals, and I am very eager to work hard, and work toward them. I have said before that I am stepping out of my comfort zone to do this blog. But, I am finding that I love doing it! How would I have known if I never tried! I have to thank my husband for that. He keeps me motivated and driven. I feel like I can focus on my goals and work towards accomplishing them.
Our life is crazy, chaotic, and if you can’t hear yelling out at least one of my windows, something must really be wrong. I often imagine if I was the one that was up before the rest of the house, how much more I could accomplish! My days could be so productive. Really, though. It’s not realistic and it’s not me. I would love to come downstairs in the morning, bask in the sunlight in my dining room or kitchen and instead of seeing the crumbs, dust bunnies and dog hair, see just the sunlight. Cleanly reflecting off my freshly waxed floors. You see where I’m going with this right? I am not perfect. Never claimed to be. You moms out there can understand this…. When you spend most days living for and taking care of other people, you lose yourself. I am attempting to find me again. For a long time, I didn’t even recognize myself. Between home life, work stresses, school, and church callings, there wasn’t much time left for me at the end of the day. For the last 2 years I have battled anxiety and depression. And as much as this is embarrassing for me to admit, I hope you know, I am human. It does not define me. Hopefully it is making me stronger. But I’ll tell you this much, when I am doing things I love, creating something beautiful, whether it be a complete room, or even just a simple project, it pulls me away from those feelings. I begin to feel those desires that I once had. I found a great quote that perfectly describes this. “If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.” As my birthday has been approaching, I have been thinking about where I was hoping to see myself. What did I want to have accomplished by now, I have reassessed my goals, and I am very eager to work hard, and work toward them. I have said before that I am stepping out of my comfort zone to do this blog. But, I am finding that I love doing it! How would I have known if I never tried! I have to thank my husband for that. He keeps me motivated and driven. I feel like I can focus on my goals and work towards accomplishing them.
Now, I am not telling you to start a blog and start doing projects. Only if that is what is in you. Maybe your strength is playing a musical instrument, counseling others, even balancing a checkbook. None of those are mine. Find your strengths and pursue them! I know we are all busy. And even if you’re not, you might just want to relax on the couch. Who am I to argue. The only thing I can think about right now is getting snug in my bed and perusing PINTEREST, all the while my kids are downstairs creating a death trap out of Legos. And eventually I will have to go down there and make them clean it up…again.
If you could only see what’s right outside the frame of my pictures, you wouldn’t think I had it all together. Most often there are piles of toys, clothes and all other manner of clutter filling my home. I think about this every time I take a picture and post it. If anyone could see this, would they find it just as humorous as I do? So, before you think I’ve got it all together, think about what could be on the right side of that photo. Could be two little boys battling to the death over the mammoth pile of bionicle pieces saturating my office or a little girl throwing a gigantic fit over something as simple as looking at her. These both happen at least once a day.
My sister sent me a picture of a wall hanging that said:
“Well, why the hell not”.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
You’ll never know unless you try, and I’m trying.
Sara
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